dear nothing

i asked of you for a piece of yourself
because i thought that is the only
deserving substance for someone as me
too much of a something that i grew lost
in the wandering revolvement of evolution
beguiled and be shocked and not remembering

to be alone is the ultimate pursuit because
i fear something is revolutionary harmful
but you betray me with another and another
and another and please no more 'cause
there has been enough of a something and
i launch into insecurity of a somebody

i could never have guessed that almighty
nothing you have particles in your emptiness
some sort of mutated molecule perhaps
you are also tired of me a something
though i obssessively starve my bones
to join your club so glamorous and tripping

you give me brothers from outer planet
me surviving in their confusing misunderstanding
of the existence of my kind of species
here yet nowhere somehow a misfit a
parasite a straight line nothing so special
anyway why blessings when you could let me end

dependency on that mere point blank
within the reaching peaking velocity
that we ourselves do not know lead how
and maybe i am executing my own demise
cannot wait the calculating months
as they watched me laugh my hyperactivity

there you are all of you including endless infinity
beating your pulsating rhytimic heartbeats while
i here count my days like no one would
afraid i would become afraid of my desire
and so unappreciated i only wish you all
would know that one day i might reach

that pure empty place where you could not
place a hand on my shoulders or stroke my hair
when i have lost my mind and hate everyone
who interupts with my the Plan to prove
ha-ha now you can't anymore even if you want
to because i can choose for you not to hurt

i only but abstractly announce a piece of yesterday's
news a self destruct and please love yourself because
i could not please not to harm because i am
undoing the inficted scar and we all know scar
stays and therefore my battle is endless no matter
if you could understand you would not have pain

or pain me maybe i am sorry i have the privilege
to possess such stricken morbidity but my dears
you are my youthful wings we all know i don't
intend to be old and see your wrinkled smile
so smile more and live your beauty before me
so i could say now i love you before i turn

© estherg

~ ~ ~

I wrote some of these rantings. It was written as letters to some of my friends. Sometimes, it's easier for me to encrypt meanings rather than word it. But I would have to say, these letters are pretty direct and straightforward. No problem understanding what I tried to convey if one truly knows me. These are my experiments; an attempt to explain my thoughts to them, reassure them of my love and expose my vulnerability when it comes to losing them. It makes a lot of sense to me. I wonder if it will ever make sense to the people they were addressed to.

estherg

letter

I was just trying to understand it
how real they are how close they are
how it has hurt me and left me in lone
how grateful I am to have some of you dear
how I have to count all of it as blessings
and pretend some of it as not at all painful
how some lied for years how some trust me enough
to love me and not to bring me unneeded misery
and yet some selfish and draw tears on my cheeks

such things my heart are so prepared but my
mind confused not because I do not believe
but because of that one time and I am vulnerable
that one time so long and ago quickly erased by
an affair so short that was not meant to be love
but understanding and temporary escape that I no longer
yearn or miss or want but I await admist chaos in peace

I love some of you very really though I would not
dare to declare I fully understand the hard and the
peeling off that is to be carried forever in bold
armour while all I could do is become the emerald on
your crown if you would allow me to and I will shine
for the much that we share and the least that we
could never and continue in prayers that the world
be the same to the both me and you and me and you

if this has to end with a note it needn't be of
assurance because to have come this far we should
have already learnt the heartfelt thorns of secrets
and the comfort of shared clandestine between ears
and at the silly corner of the red heart beating
I love you my dears and that is all there is to
set us free from each other destined paths and
crossed journeys and of unknown tears and broken
when I close my eyes I only hope to be a stone
proud to be your friend and of open arms and of care
though it had hurt and tainted i still love



© estherg

these letters are now sent ...